ACN Exclusive – Applicant For Ceo Position Revealed

Delia,
Norwich City Football Club
Near Morrisons
Carrow Road

APPLICATION FOR POSITION OF CEO AT NORWICH CITY FOOTBALL CLUB

Dear Delia, Michael, Ed and the other one with the moustache,

This letter is to notify you of my application for the above post. You will have noticed that I have not included a CV. This is because I haven’t had to use one of those for 25 years. It’s up in the loft with the Batman comics and it’s too cold up there. It’s also because I haven’t done any Chief Executiving before.

I have run a football team before, however. As manager of ‘Wenny’ Wensum in the Norwich Christian League I guided the team to runners up in the league and cup in my sole season. We could have won both but our goalie was a bit too fat I think. Let’s face it, NCFC would probably settle for runners up in the league right now so, in that regard I feel I am essential to have within the club.

I am currently employed at Clays Printers of Bungay and working a six day week, so if you could work around me not being there every other week until settled that would be extremely helpful.

I’m aware it is the custom for applicants to any role to suggest improvements so that the employer can employ somebody else but use the unsuccessful applicant’s ideas anyway so here goes; (if I don’t get the job I’ll be happy with 10% off my season ticket and a signed photo of Delia).

1) Fashion. The yellow ties have to go. They may look sweet on a little boy at a wedding but our previous CEO looked like one of The Sopranos had been crossed with a Minion. Also, new signings MUST hold up the BAR SCARF. It doesn’t have to say Norwich on it as everyone knows they’ve signed for Norwich; even 60 year olds have Twitter and that current scarf looks like it was designed by David Hockney on his iPad, in under 10 minutes.

2) Capacity. I feel we should reintroduce allowing Reliant Robins to park behind the River End goal. This could bring in another 20 paying customers with additional income if we can slap the odd ticket on a windscreen for parking over 2 hours. I am still researching the increased insurance premium given Cameron Jerome’s shooting.

3) Cost cutting. I appreciate that money is a bit tight at the moment so, here I would make some ruthless changes. I will sack Captain Canary with immediate effect. Given the extortionate wages we offer to Kyle Lafferty I would expect him to play a dual role which would have the added benefit of him being nicely warmed up before his 3 active minutes at the end of each game.

4) Team Tactics. In each game that one of the Murphy boys start I suggest, at half time, subbing the one who played in the first half with the one who didn’t but into the same kit. The officials would surely not notice, we’d have a fresh pair of legs and could STILL make 3 subs. I’d also instruct our strikers to play in really long boots so, technically they wouldn’t be offside so much, as their toes would be in our half and yet our player would still be a yard ahead of the opposing defenders.

5) Get down with the fans. Sorry, but the club needs to learn to Tweet. I don’t mean like the club’s official Twitter account or that ‘unknown’ guy, more like Donald Trump or that mad Chinese man at Aston Villa. You know exactly what’s going on with them, well apart from when the Villa bloke starts tweeting weird sums. Even if you got that boy in the orange puffa jacket who talks to himself to give us some information it would be an improvement, and who goes to all those fans’ groups things? You may as well have a whist drive. So Tweeting ‘Our account of last night’s draw in the north west’ could become ‘only a draw against so-called Wigan. Real sad’.

6) Promotions Promotions Promotions. Let’s get the fans of the future at the ‘Carra’. I would bring in ‘kids for a quid’ but, in addition appeal to the Great Yarmouth and Lowestoft catchment areas with ‘diver for a fiver’, and local choirs with their own ‘tenor for a tenner’ evening game. I agree with ‘twenty is plenty’ when it comes to charging away fans but I would actively encourage ‘forty is naughty’ for teams that we don’t like very much. I’m glad to see you have introduced this already for one imminent fixture. Good. Well done.

So, as you can see, I have ideas that can positively impact our beloved club going forward. I will not be disclosing my current wage structure but can reveal that I would be available at a yearly salary somewhere in between Bryan Gunn and the kit man.

I would appreciate a speedy response as I may put my name down for overtime this weekend and I’ve got a wedding at the end of the month.

Yours sincerely,

Ivan Adcock

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Good luck Mr Adcock, we think you’d do a great job.

Ivan tweets at @AdcockIvy , we’ll let you work out for yourselves if he’s serious about his application for the job.