Half Time Power Rankings

Let’s be honest- half time is rubbish. Not long enough for a proper break, too long to just stand around.Some form of halftime entertainment is always on offer at Carrow Road and it’s important to rank them. Don’t ask why. Please be aware there is absolutely no scientific method to these entirely subjective rankings and I’ve done minimal research meaning this is probably missing loads of things.

9 – Drinking

Let me be clear here – I don’t begrudge anyone a pint. I’m fond of a beer or two pre/post-match and would happily see the nonsense ‘no alcohol in view of the pitch’ laws removed. I’m not so desperate for a beverage however, that I’ll queue for 10 minutes to pay lb4 (lb5 on London away days) for a bottle of pissy lager I have to down in 5 minutes if I don’t want to miss any football. Call me a snob but I’ll hold off and instead savour a properly poured beer from one of the fine drinking establishments Norwich offers.

8 – Cheerleaders

I got to live in America for a year as part of my degree (humblebrag). I’ve seen American sports and I’ve seen professional cheerleaders. It is all very shiny and glamorous as perma-grinning women dance in tiny shorts, usually in hot weather. It is ridiculous but somehow in America it just…works. Over here though? No. I feel nothing but sympathy watching these girls dance in light drizzle as a bunch of bored middle aged blokes look on. It’s just not the same.

7 – Those ‘Soccer Skillz’ guys

‘Oooh he’s balanced the ball it on the back of his neck, oooh now he’s lying on the ground with it still there…that’s impressive, isn’t it?’ These ‘street football’ guys give me something of an existential crisis. They have mastered some truly very impressive skills yet those skills are inherently pointless, aren’t they? They can do things with a football that even giants of the game like Teemu Pukki can’t, yet you’d much rather be him wouldn’t you? When would being able to balance a football perfectly on your forehead, before rolling it off and trapping it between your thighs ever come in useful? Also after you’ve seen one of these guys you’ve seen them all – you’re not distracting me from my Chicken Balti pie you fancy bastard.

6 – Legends presentation

Always nice to see some of the legends of days gone by but I can’t help but feel it is usually the same old names and faces most times. Let’s mix them up a little bit – maybe even have a presentation of some of the more obscure names from our past. I’d love to see the bemused reaction of the Carrow Road crowd as they are asked to give a big hand for Brian McGovern and Spencer Prior, or given a chance to welcome back the memorable squad of 98/99.

5 – ‘Get the ball in the target’ challenge

A relatively new addition to the Carrow Road halftime pantheon, the simple challenge of placing the ball as close to the middle of a bloody great sponsor’s logo is mildly entertaining but still the worst of all the ‘skill’ games. The current iteration is especially lame as people compete for the chance to win a chance at winning a holiday to the third most popular destination in Florida. Glamorous.

4 – Fan parade

These are nice, if mainly to spot some of the more far flung locations we have fan groups in. Scotland? Understandable. Norway? Maybe I guess. Eritrean Canaries? Now we’re talking. Also fun for the inevitable shitshow of ‘why do we need a Proud Canaries group? We don’t have a straight fans group!’ style questions. The fact you’re asking the question highlights the need my friend.

3 – Zorbs

As a connoisseur of TV shows where people make tits out of themselves in physical challenges (Total Wipeout being a favourite) these are right up my street. Two people race in weird inflatable tyres, trying not to fall off in the process. Whoever put it together was a genius for realising the real humour comes in the turn and thus makes them race to the halfway line and back rather than just the length of the pitch. Extra points for the time an opposition sub started pinging footballs at them during his warm up, successfully knocking one over.

2 – Crossbar challenge

Perfection. Simple enough to make you think ‘I could do this’ from the stands but difficult enough to mean you probably couldn’t. I’ve often considered entering but know in my heart that instead of pinging three perfect dinks onto the bar, I’ll probably dribble one along the floor, send one wide and then finally fall on my arse attempting to redeem myself with attempt three. Enhanced by usually being done in front of the Barclay End, who can get quite into it when the mood takes them.

1 – Being yelled at by a drunk chef

If you didn’t see this coming at least somewhere in this list then are you really a Norwich fan? Say what you want about the ownership of Delia but the woman has a stunning sense of humour. Others would cringe at a public humiliation like this but not our Delia – she’s owned it and it has become a chant, a merchandise slogan and even used in a national TV advert. I’m also fairly certain that if I was a millionaire owner of a football club then I’d be liable to get drunk, get on the pitch and harangue the crowd. Iconic.