Let’s Mix Football And Politics

The political landscape is still a minefield of division and polarised opinions. Views so opposed that you’d not experience anything like them, well, apart from at the football.

Let’s not go too far back in history but a lot of the key protagonists in Westminster have their Canary equivalent. Take Brexit (somebody, anybody); David Cameron was confident that he’d get what he wanted when he approached the country. I expect Martin O’Neill felt the same when he asked Big Bad Bob to buy Dean Windass, but in the end both Dave and Marty didn’t like the answers they were given. Cue the waspy pair chucking their keys in the air leaving club and country to manage the fall-out.

Across the way is Jeremy Corbyn. A principled man; a man who sees the good in all, believes in talking sensibly and careful negotiation of obstacles rather than always being on the offensive. Yet at least half the nation can’t believe he’s in the position he is and shudder at the thought of him leading their country. He’s basically Chris Hughton. Doing an ok job but never any more than that. Resolutely sticking to his guns (Chris; Jeremy would have laid down his arms), making changes too late to be effective and being satisfied with a moderate showing in the polls. Matching Lambert for points at Villa is much like maintaining a small deficit in the latest YouGov. It’ll just about do but if you can only almost match dreadful (Lambert’s Villa, May’s Government) then it’s going to end badly. If only Delia owned the Labour Party they might get a new leader.

As Cameron’s keys tumbled through the air in slow-motion, a wiry figure was sprinting in from the boundary to launch herself into a diving catch. It’s Theresa May; possibly the only time she was ever going to get a sniff of the top job and boy was she going to grab it with both hands. Ultimately, there’s a grudging respect for the fact that she took the job in difficult circumstances and while there was the odd occasion where she looked almost competent, you always knew that she was no more than an opportunist stopgap. Like Neil Adams. With us deep in the shit he stepped up to the plate and did fuck all to arrest our slide into oblivion. Like Theresa May. Of course, in the end they probably hung around a bit too long, but both realised that they couldn’t deliver what the crowds wanted and graciously fell on their swords.

Now we’ve got Boris Johnson. Only just in the role, it’s hard to know what to expect. On what he’s treated us to over the years, it’s hard to conjure any thoughts other than those of a bumbling barrel of buffoonery. A tubby oaf with a habit of talking shit. He’d be Alan Brazil. A mosquito in the gazpacho, a scummer for the summer. But we’d never entertain Alan Brazil, much like he fails to entertain his audience. No, I have a suspicion that BoJo is going to be an unmitigated fucking disaster. Perhaps he’ll deliver Brexit first; then he could be Glen Roeder. Initial saving of a dire situation before making it even worse, dreadful trade agreements, Huckerby out, Omar Koroma in, that sort of thing. However, I doubt that he’ll even manage that. I wonder if he can manage anything at all (brushing his hair appears beyond him) and that makes him Bryan Hamilton. For the love of God and my children’s future I hope I’ve done Boris a disservice but if he names Raymond De Waard in his cabinet..

If Boris emulates Hamilton (gammon is Ham?) we might end up with a bloke that up to now has never actually appeared in Parliament; Nigel Farage. Always in every paper, all over the TV and constantly linked with Government. In fact, whenever there is a window of opportunity does he try and get himself a seat. Constantly linked with being an MP but, as yet, never coming to fruition. He’s Linvoy Primus (that’d please him). Just as at every General Election you think Farage might finally get the gig, there was a time when Linvoy Primus was linked with us in every transfer window. He never signed. Here’s hoping that Farage never materialises either.

While you’re here. We recently launched a new print NCFC fanzine, featuring your favourite ACN writers, along with some of the best and brightest from other sites. It’s on sale here, with profits going to the flag crowdfunder. We’re getting close to selling out, so be quick if you’d like one. Thanks for your support.