The ACN Match Review – West Ham (a)

Biggest positive

Looking at the bottom of the league table is liable to bring out fits of giggles at the moment. Norwich are in one of their worst ever runs of post-war form (statistically and in terms of performance) yet – after 20 matches with 8 (eight) goals – still have twice as many wins as both Newcastle and Burnley, and are only three points behind Watford in 17th. Putting literally everything else aside, statistically speaking, it is still extremely possible for us to get out of it. Which is an absolutely ludicrous thing to say. If we do get out of it, not only would I be so ecstatic I will be drinking four bottles of MD 20/20 in a row, I think a national enquiry would probably need to be called into how the league collectively managed to allow it to happen.

Biggest problem

My nan getting a new kitchen. You see, my nan has a Norwich City mug which became a sacred ritual item with regards to the fact it needed to have tea drunk out of it on any afternoon or evening that Norwich were playing in order to ensure victory. Even after the handle fell off, a trip to Roy’s in Beccles to get some super glue meant that the ritual wasn’t broken. However, last year my nan got a brand new kitchen and, as a result of getting some glass display cupboards, she has put the mug pride of place on display in one of these and now no longer touches it. Since this happened, Norwich have not scored a league goal. Seriously. It was just after the Newcastle game when it was moved, and we’ve been so off-the-scale ridiculously bad in front of goal since then it’s causing me to wake up in the middle of the night to shout into the darkness “my god what have we done!?”

Next time I go and visit, I promise I will move it…

Funniest moment

Seeing Dean Smith in the pouring rain after the match, with his hood up looking like someone who had spent £100 on outside court tickets at Wimbledon during the wettest June day on record, did make me raise a smile I must admit – despite everything.

Norwich’s best player

Adam Idah has taken a lot of criticism for his performances this season, but he provided a teeny tiny bright spark last night and it looked dangerously like he might actually score at one point when a Fabianski save denied him a thunderbolt of a goal.

Did an along come Norwich happen?

I don’t know. Who even knows anymore. We are beyond along come Norwich. This is Norwich of the Cursed Mug. A new super mutated form of the Along Come Norwich that sends villagers screaming wherever it goes and would make Black Shuck slink away with its tail between its legs. It can make a simple 24 feet by 8 feet rectangle look like the smallest object in the world, causes player boots to get square toes in split second moments as shots are struck and empowers opposition goalkeepers with the spirit of Lev Yashin whenever a shot on target actually occurs.

Be afraid and save yourselves.

What was the atmosphere like?

It’s just as well that Dean Smith doesn’t like the sarcasm and gallows humour from fans, because he’s going to be getting something entirely different on Saturday if (when) we go a goal down, that’s for sure…

Summary

It’s impossible to find the words anymore, because just when I start going on about how things can’t get any worse, they end up getting plenty worse and the whole cycle starts again. My stage of grief right now is finally acceptance, so I am going to take every next game with the old Sunday League phrase of “it’s 0-0 lads” and will continue to do so even when the away support at CR are yet again erupting after a defensive cockup.

Just keep fucking swimming.