The Lambert Diaries – Final Edition?

Tuesday 23^rd February

Been a tough few weeks. Three men and a dog apparently turned up at the training ground and lit some flares. Glad I wasn’t there (MENTAL NOTE: I should make a point of finding out where the training ground is…) after having the bastard ‘Rona, smoke inhalation might have finished me off! Where would they be then? I get that they want to celebrate our performances and catch a glimpse of my genius but they should have a wee think before they start playing with fire.

Anyway, I hate to think what they’ll come up with after tonight’s performance. I produced a brilliant performance to beat – thrash –  a top, top side (not as top, top as the one’s I played for – I won a fucking Champion’s League for God’s sake) in Hull one-nil. The lads were brilliant, gave me everything except the ones I’ve fucked off to train with the kids. We’re on a proper run now, only three places behind Accrington Stanley, if they finished the season now we’d have done better than last season; the progress is evident. When I told Chambo that we were 10^th I had to immediately calm him down, I thought he was going to fist-pump himself an injury!

One thing is for certain, this victory has made the likes of Ham and Watson look ridiculous. I told them, I’ve played for big clubs, huge clubs, in massive, enormous, gargantuan games. I know football. How many Old Firm derbies have they played in? I won a Champion’s League and stopped Rangers winning ten-in-a-row. More or less alone. And they want to ask ME about football? ME?? Get tae fuck.

I’m not bothered though.

The bastards.

Wednesday 24^th February

News of our outstanding battering of Hull – a top side by the way – has travelled fast. As far as Glasgow at least. Neil Lennon has resigned as manager of Celtic. You can’t blame him, when he sees a Celtic legend delivering the kind of results that see us only 14 points behind a massive club like Peterborough, the pressure was bound to weigh heavy on his shoulders. I’ll probably reach out to him, see if he wants to come and learn something off me.

Phoned Marcus on the mobile to warn him that the office phone was likely to be ringing off the hook, stands to reason; club legend, big club experience, big game experience proven winner. Well, at Norwich anyway. And look at them now. I built that. That’s my foundations. Ipswich fans must look at their success and be delighted. They know what’s coming. Marcus said that he’d heard nothing and wasn’t likely to as the phone has been cut off. Said he was fucked off with pouring money into the club and only getting repaid with fucking dross and piss-poor performances he was getting close to the point of telling everyone to shove it up their arse.

Christ knows what the office staff have done to put him in that mood, should probably look at his recruitment policy if performances are that bad. Maybe adopt the methods he uses to appoint hugely successful first-team managers. Like me. At least I’m repaying his investment with results ON the pitch. One-nothing at Hull, get in.

I’m going to publicly rule myself out of the running for the Celtic job. How could I do it to the Ipswich fans? When they’re turning out to sing my name and use pyrotechnics in my honour at the Training Ground…how could I let them down? And most of them still owe me a fucking pint.

Thursday 25^th February

Important day today. Last proper training session before Doncaster at Home. Hope it went Ok. Won the Champion’s League with Dortmund on Champ Manager. That’s two.

Friday 26^th February

Jesus Christ! The papers are reporting an American takeover! I never saw this coming. I was wondering what would have attracted them to a side in 10^th in League One with a squad that needs a hand and then it came to me.

Me.

That’s the benefit of having a high-profile, successful, trophy winning (with Norwich) manager. Especially one that has won league titles and major European trophies as a player (Champions League, Dortmund, first British player to win it with an overseas club and first British player to win the rebranded Champions League). They’ll be delighted I’m on such a long contract and I look forward to working with them, it’ll be a privilege, an absolute honour for them.

I’ve seen a rumour that they fancy bringing in a Cook. At first I thought they’d seen the huge success being enjoyed by Norwich with Delia Smith involved but then I realised it wasn’t a Cook to run things but a Cook to cook things. Bit harsh on Beryl but her obsession with offal was maddening. Gilly always said “The only place tripe get’s served up more often than in our canteen is on the Portman Road pitch!” I never understood what he meant. Why would anyone serve a meal of animal guts on a football pitch? Gilly can be a fucking idiot at times.

It’ll be a shame to see Marcus go. Maybe he can have a wee look at my contract before he goes? Glad I ruled myself out of the Celtic job now. New investment is fantastic, these things always go well, look at how Marcus has transformed the fortunes of Ipswich Town. Change always brings an improvement in fortunes, look at the progression of our managers? McCarthy (play-off loser), Hurst (EFL Trophy Runner-Up), Lambert (Champions League Winner). If this works out, we might challenge the top 8.