The Lambert Diaries – Part 2

23rd November 2018

A real test today.

West Brom are a side that were relatively established in the Premier League; a few years ago, I’d have been too good to manage them. Not that I could have brought myself to do so. What kind of man could lower themselves to manage a side that were the direct geographical rivals of a former club?

Not me. That’s not what Paul Lambert is about.

During the week, Chambo knocked on my door asking for a chat. “Gaffer” he said, “you do know they’ve signed Wes Hoolahan from Norwich?”

I was flabbergasted.

“So fucking what?”

“Gaffer, he’s made us look like fucking amateurs for a decade, what can we do?” he whimpered.
I told him that I’d worry about the one-footed fucking showpony and that he should be rehearsing those fist-pumps because come 10 o’clock he’d need it in full working order.

Fuck. I’d forgotten about him. Anyway, he’s about 53 years old now and he hates Norwich anyway – loves Villa – so he’ll probably turn in a half-arsed shift.

Fuck. If he’s even half-arsed he’ll be too good for this lot.

Just rang Wes. Reminded him that he was shite and that I made him train with the youth team before I realised that he was the best player in the squad. I’m in his head now; mind games. There’s more to management than just picking the team. There’s also press conferences.

24th November 2018

I’m fucking fuming.

Absolutely apoplectic. We made West Brom look bang average in our own back yard yet we’ve come away with nothing. This run of bad luck simply can’t continue and once the “new manager bounce” kicks in – mark my words – this division will be in trouble. We had more possession, less shots, less shots on target and scored a goal of real quality; the craftsmanship in its creation was like that chaps ceiling in that sixteenth chapel or whatever it is.

People say that the table doesn’t lie. Sometimes it does. West Brom went second (Norwich are top) and we remain bottom. You tell me how that’s fair? We’ve got me. I won a Champions League and played in Germany. They’ve got Darren Moore, he won a raffle and played for the Dog and Duck. 23,000 – look how the attendances have shot up under my tenure – people left that stadium knowing that there was only one promotion contender on display. But they’ll also have been pleased with our performance.

The lads deserved at least a point and, to be honest, I deserved all three. The transformation in this team has been remarkable. They’ve gone from a team that had only won once all season to a team that has only lost once in three games. That’s some turnaround.

One key point that I have picked up on from yesterday is that we scored less goals than they did. If we want to win games we’re probably going to have to remedy that. I’ll have a word with Gilly.

25th November 2018

Gave myself the morning off to watch a recording of Friday’s game. Had the guys courier it over to me at the hotel and was expecting a motor-cyclist and a DVD. Literally couldn’t believe my eyes when two men and a transit turned up with a toploader Betamax and a cassette. I know they bang on about history but for fuck sake.

Anyway, didn’t bother with that, squeezed a round of golf in instead. I was magnificent.
Eventually popped into the ‘kabin at about 2 o’clock. Knocked out the “sportword” on the back of the Star and then glanced outside. Gilly was at it again.

I told him that we needed goals from all over the pitch, that we shouldn’t rely on our strikers (mainly because they’re gash) and he had the whole squad on shooting practice. From everywhere. Blue-Sky thinking. Chambo loves a big hoof; if we can coach him to overhit it a bit more it may well take a keeper by surprise.

Later, the whole squad went through finishing drills inside the area. No idea what good that will do, half this lot would struggle to finish a McDonalds happy meal. However, rustling the onion bag had them in a good mood when I popped into the dressing shed. “Lads, what’s the difference between this dressing room and a hedgehog?” Didn’t even get a “don’t know, Gaffer”, just a deafening silence. Didn’t bother with the punchline; just told them they were a bunch of pricks and walked out. I don’t think they’ve quite grasped how privileged they are to work with me yet; probably in awe of my success. They’ll need to embrace that if they want to play a part in my next glorious rise from League One.

26th November 2018

Just realised I wrote “rise from League One” yesterday.

I meant “rise up the Championship” (well, just in case Marcus somehow got hold of this).

27th November 2018

Shit. Just realised that I wrote that thing about Marcus instead of just thinking it. Ach, don’t know why I’m worrying. How would he get hold of this? It’s not like he has any questionable contacts around the world or engages in any dodgy activities, is it? He’s just a businessman whose intentions are good… (could be the start of a song, that).

28th November 2018

Game day.

A real opportunity for us tonight. Bristol City have been gash of late. They’ve lost their last four on the bounce, have only scored 6 times in their last 10 games and have a Senegalese striker that hasn’t found the net since before Halloween.

Really positive about our chances. In addition to them being so woefully out of form, we are massively overdue a win. Apparently, we haven’t won at Portman Road since April the tenth. Seven and a half months without a home win is difficult to fathom, even the Faroe Islands have won at home during that period. You’d be forgiven for thinking that the only realistic explanation is that the team must be absolute shite. Ipshite Town haha. I’m banking that one.

Anyway, Norwich couldn’t even beat Hull last night so if we nail the three points against the Robins tonight, we’ll have made our first real inroads into catching them.

29th November 2018

Fuck me.

I’m telling you now that there cannot be a side with worse luck than us. The finishing practice from Gilly worked wonders. The boy Sears bagged a brace; when I first got here the only way I could imagine him bagging anything was if he was working on the checkouts at the Copdock Aldi. He’s now got 4 in 4 for me. Marcus sent me a text when we went 2-1 up saying that he wanted to discuss Sears and January with me urgently. By the time it came through it was 2-2. New contract for us both maybe?

Now, about our luck. Gilly has been like a breath of fresh air (I imagine) on the training ground. He has novel ideas, progressive philosophies and his methods are ahead of the game. Not enough goals, we work on scoring. Can’t beat ten men, we practice against 9 men. Or 8 if it’s still too hard.

His finishing drills sharpened up the whole squad in front of goal; we saw the benefit with not only Sears but also through the keeper Bialkowski. Unfortunately, his reactions were at the wrong end. I can’t be angry with him though. That ball was going YARDS wide, but he had the predatory instinct to get something on it and finish it off. We’ve instilled that into him. Ok, he used his hand, but Maradona and Henry did that and were two of the greatest of all time. We’ll see the benefit of that when Bart finds himself in the opposition six-yard box at some point. These things even themselves out over the course of a season.

So many positives to take from this defeat. Apart from the result. We led twice, had more possession, scored three of the five goals but still lost. Travesty.

Some might say that I’ve no wins in four games as manager here but those that know their football will be aware that the final score doesn’t always tell the full story and that results, like the table, can lie. They should also remember that the last bloke only won ONE game in his tenure. I think I’ve been the moral victor in at least three so far and tactically superior in all four.

We’ve come a long way in a short period of time, people should remember that. We’ve gone from bottom of the Championship to being still bottom of the Championship but further adrift. Don’t underestimate how much and how quickly the players have had to adjust their fitness and technique to compete at this new level of incompetence. Thankfully, they seem to be naturally comfortable playing where we are; that makes the job for Gilly and I easier. It will be interesting to see just where this group ends up. When I had Holt, Hoolahan and Martin during my remarkably successful stint at Norwich, we ended up in the Prem. I can see this group progressing to play-off contenders. Next year. Maybe. Although if the unthinkable happened and we stayed up, there’d be no fucking hope of that.

If you missed it and want to catch up, Part 1 of Paul’s diary is available here