The Lambert Diaries – Part 4

Feb 10th

Couldn’t sleep last night. Spent the whole night tossing. Gilly said I’ve always been a tosser; I know, it’s me that can’t bloody sleep. He’s a fucking drip sometimes.

Still proper seething about the presser. Asking me about my achievements with Norwich. What about my achievements with Ipswich? Or my Champions League win? Oh no, they have to bang on about the past. Well I can tell you for nothing that Ipswich Town don’t look back – Gilly says there’s no point as there’s nobody behind us – no, we live for now. You don’t see Ipswich supporters pining for Burley or Robson or the early 1980s like the Canaries hanker after me. I mean, I’m totally over it, barely remember my time there apart from when I’m applying for jobs. I don’t need to mention back to back promotions. I’ve won a Champions League for fuck sake. I’d even forgotten I was in their hall of fame (Voted in by the fans in February 2012 for masterminding a meteoric rise up the football pyramid). I turned down (well I would have if I’d been offered it) the Liverpool job when Brendan Rogers got it, why would I think about Norwich City?

No. They never cross my mind. If someone mentioned them in a bar I’d probably be like “Who? Norwich? Oh them..” that’s how little they cross my mind.

Right. Time to get off to the game. Hope the coach has Sat Nav as I can’t even remember where Carrow Road is.

Feb 10th Evening

Fuck Me.

I’ve never felt so cheated. They never even sang my name until I got sent off.

The game plan worked a treat to start with and we were completely dominant until they fluked a goal just before the third minute. We soon got back in our rhythm though and were soon kicking lumps out of them and even managed to lose a ball over the stand. Once we had most of them limping we found it a bit easier and played some scintillating stuff in the middle of the pitch. If there’d been a goal in the centre circle we might have scored – I’ll speak to Gilly about that – but there wasn’t and we didn’t.

Towards the end of the half one of the lads kicked one of theirs up in the air – it was beautifully executed – and the fucking ref gave a free kick. A FREE KICK!!!! That shite wasn’t fouling when I was playing and winning Champions League medals.

I shouted that sort of stuff was foreplay where I come from and someone called EW from their bench said he thought it was a foul. I saw red. Who was this cunt? I’ve managed and played at the highest level and now there’s some EW in front of me QUESTIONING ME!!! Fuck off. I’m not having that. Course he shit himself. If it hadn’t been for Gilly shouting “he ain’t wurff it Gaffer”, the half dozen stewards and five policeman – all six footers by the way – holding me back I’d have gone through the fucking lot of them.

Next thing I know I’ve been sent off and Chambo is fondling the bollocks of one of their players. Apparently he’d only heard me shout “foreplay”.Thank fuck he wasn’t fist pumping at the time.

Anyway, I walk in the tunnel and see this huge unit in a Norwich top, I jabbed my finger right in his mush and pulled an angry face while I said “Alright pal, I’ve got no argument with you, I don’t want no trouble” to him in German. It’ll look like I’m giving it large to the fans but given they fell for that bullshit open letter, I can’t believe any of them are bright enough to lip read German.

Slipped into the dressing room for an orange quarter and a cup of tea. Had an extra sugar. Fucking buzzing. Gilly talked to them about space or marking or keeping an eye on Buendia or something equally pointless – I interrupted and told them to keep doing what they’re doing. But get some goals. And don’t let Norwich do any. Simple.

Course, I then had to make my way up to the directors’ box. I was gagging to catch a glimpse of that McNally bastard. He might have a rep down Tombland but I’m back in town. City. I meant city. He’d made himself scarce though, good decision because I was ready to go full Begbie.

Don’t really remember much about the second half. From where I was sat it was obvious we were completely dominant. Then Norwich scored. Then Norwich scored again. If they hadn’t done that we’d probably only have lost one nil and that would have been a victory. We really should have looked to minimise the space that we allowed that Buendia to operate in too. Gilly should be picking up on this stuff.
We’re now 42 points behind them. But, with 45 to play for I haven’t given up on catching them. I’ve won a Champions League after all.

Some idiot also reckoned we hadn’t beat Norwich for ten years! What an idiot! I’ve beat them with Colchester AND Villa in that time!! Ipswich might not have beat them, but I have and that’s what’s important to Paul Lambert. And that’s what’s most important.